Monday, August 22, 2011

It's been ages, I know...

When my life fell apart two years ago, I stopped blogging. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my life. I was ashamed of what I was going through, how I felt about it, how my family suffered. Of course I blamed myself for everything.

I think it's time for me to break my silence.

When I posted in March 2009 about exploring some new possibilities for supporting my family, I had decided to go to school to become a CNA, then later return to college to finish my RN degree.

In April, police came to our home and told us my husband had been accused of a really heinous crime. I felt like somehow I'd been holding my breath waiting for something godawful to happen and this was it.

I completed CNA school in June and thank god I did, because in July he went to court and was given a no contact with minors order. Any minors, including his own children.

I was suddenly a single mom of 5.

I did what I had to do. I found myself a job as a caregiver. And then another, because the first one wasn't enough to make the bills.

I spiraled horribly into a deep, dark depression. I withdrew from all of my friends and most of my family. I began to think that my life was nothing but work, clean house, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat. I was working 75 hours a week, seeing my children for 2-3 hours at most out of the entire day, 6 or 7 days a week.

This whole situation sucked the joy out of my life.

I've since divorced, found a new relationship and had another baby, moved, gotten a new job (only one this time!) and really should feel better about everything. I don't. Or at least, I haven't yet.

But after 2 years of living with this, I am ready to start finding the joy in my life again. I got so caught up in the horror of my reality that I forgot the simple peace, love and joy that exists in a beautiful family such as mine. My life is much easier now than it was back then, but I never "came down" from the stress, shock, sadness, grief and everything else I felt when my life fell apart.

There I go, using that phrase again. Yes, my life fell apart.

But I've since picked up the pieces and put them back together again. The picture doesn't quite look the same anymore, but it's still beautiful. I'm done holding my breath, waiting for it to be beautiful again. It is.

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