When my life fell apart two years ago, I stopped blogging. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on in my life. I was ashamed of what I was going through, how I felt about it, how my family suffered. Of course I blamed myself for everything.
I think it's time for me to break my silence.
When I posted in March 2009 about exploring some new possibilities for supporting my family, I had decided to go to school to become a CNA, then later return to college to finish my RN degree.
In April, police came to our home and told us my husband had been accused of a really heinous crime. I felt like somehow I'd been holding my breath waiting for something godawful to happen and this was it.
I completed CNA school in June and thank god I did, because in July he went to court and was given a no contact with minors order. Any minors, including his own children.
I was suddenly a single mom of 5.
I did what I had to do. I found myself a job as a caregiver. And then another, because the first one wasn't enough to make the bills.
I spiraled horribly into a deep, dark depression. I withdrew from all of my friends and most of my family. I began to think that my life was nothing but work, clean house, go to sleep. Rinse, repeat. I was working 75 hours a week, seeing my children for 2-3 hours at most out of the entire day, 6 or 7 days a week.
This whole situation sucked the joy out of my life.
I've since divorced, found a new relationship and had another baby, moved, gotten a new job (only one this time!) and really should feel better about everything. I don't. Or at least, I haven't yet.
But after 2 years of living with this, I am ready to start finding the joy in my life again. I got so caught up in the horror of my reality that I forgot the simple peace, love and joy that exists in a beautiful family such as mine. My life is much easier now than it was back then, but I never "came down" from the stress, shock, sadness, grief and everything else I felt when my life fell apart.
There I go, using that phrase again. Yes, my life fell apart.
But I've since picked up the pieces and put them back together again. The picture doesn't quite look the same anymore, but it's still beautiful. I'm done holding my breath, waiting for it to be beautiful again. It is.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, August 23, 2010
The story of Ayla
Friday the 13th. I'm 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant and my boyfriend, my oldest son and my roommates leave for the county fair, leaving me at home with the 4 small ones. I cook, I clean, I bathe them all and get the 3 smallest kids in bed. I flop on the couch in the garage just *exhausted* until my boyfriend arrives around 10pm. I can barely keep my eyes open as we trudge up the stairs to bed. I collapse into bed, trying to stay awake and spend some time with him but I end up falling asleep in the middle of Weeds. I have a really strange dream and wake up a little confused around 12:30, when the first contraction hits me like a ton of bricks. I'd had some bloody show for a few days but I thought it was from the "stretch and sweep" my doctor had done on Wednesday. I get up to go to the bathroom and see quite a bit of blood and clear fluid, and after being dropped to my knees on the way out of the bathroom by another contraction, I know it's go time. I climb back into bed, trying to let my body rest as long as possible, and also trying to stay quiet so Troy can rest after his long day in the sun and not be totally useless later when I know I'll really need him. Every few minutes, I sit up on the edge of the bed and try to remember every coping technique I'd ever learned to make it through the next contraction. After about an hour or so, I'm crying and shaking through them and I think "I should probably wake him up. We should go." but they were coming so close and lasting so long I couldn't put together a single coherent sentence enough to even talk to him. Suddenly I feel his warm hand on my back, exactly where it hurts the most, and I instantly feel a million times better. He stays with me that way for a while, dozing between them as I am trying to, when I have a sudden mood shift and I feel a sense of urgency that we *must* go to the hospital right that second. I start shaking uncontrollably and feel hot flashes as I try to dial the doctor's office. In my head, I'm freaking out. I'm in transition. If we don't hurry, I could give birth on the side of the highway. I've had a few births where I hit transition and had a baby in my arms 15 minutes later. I'm like "Let's go NOW." We get our bags together and I put on some pajama pants. We wake our roommates to let them know we're leaving and we get in the car. The wretched, wretched car. Oh god, that car ride was *the* longest ride of my life. The contractions feel like they're right on top of each other. In reality, it was a 7 minute ride, tops. In my head, it was hours and I feel such sudden, intense pressure I'm afraid the baby's gonna fall out in the hospital parking lot. Troy, bless his clueless heart, has to be informed that I am NOT walking anywhere and I need a wheelchair. He parks me in front of the ER check in desk and goes to park the car. The nice ladies behind the desk start asking me questions and a contraction hits and I start shrieking and crying and they look at each other like "Oh shit." Thankfully, he's back quickly and we're on our way up to labor and delivery. We get checked in and the nurses ask me if I want an epidural. I answer wearily "Can I have it now?" They get started on the paperwork, the IV, and getting in touch with the anesthesiologist. I'm examined and determined to be 5 centimeters. Shit! I thought for sure I was ready to start pushing in no time. I feel discouraged and even more ready for some pain meds. Thankfully he's only a few doors down from my room and he comes to visit me within a short time. While I'm curled over my belly sitting on the edge of the bed, I hold onto Troy for dear life trying not to move during the epidural because I know if I do I could be seriously hurt or paralyzed. Yeah, how's that for motivation? I have a few contractions that almost kill me, and then blessed sweet relief. I feel a million times better. I lay back and relax, and my poor tired man runs home to swap cars so our roommate will have the right car to do the job that is scheduled for 8am. He's not gone long, and lays down to rest for a bit after he gets back. After about an hour I meet the doctor who will deliver my baby, because my regular doctor of course picked this weekend to go on vacation. I hate this doctor immediately and hate her even more when she checks me and says I'm only at 8cm. In my head I'm going "WTF is taking so long? With my last 3 babies I went from 5-10cm in less than an hour!" The doctor offers to break my water, and I agree, anxious to get things going. After 45 minutes, she checks again and I've still got a cervical lip and she discovers the baby is asynclitic. Oh wonderful. No wonder it was going so slow! So we wait some more, and I'm feeling a little sheepish that I was so panicky to leave the house. After a while I start to feel a lot of pressure and suggest to the nurse it might be time to see how pushing goes. The doctor comes back and says there's still a bit of a cervical lip but she can push it out of the way and see if that works. And it does, after a few pushes the baby starts to move down, albeit slowly. She rotates a bit, then suddenly her heart tones start dropping. They give me some oxygen, and move me from side to side. The doctor puts in a scalp electrode and tries to move the cord that is being compressed alongside her head. (This is known as an occult cord prolapse.) I keep pushing, the baby keeps rotating, moving from ROT to ROA then finally to LOA and her head is almost out. Her heart tones improve and as her head emerges I feel her kicking on her way out. As she's born, her arms flail out as if to say "Here I am!" and she pinks up and starts crying. I feel a little shaky as I take my first look at her, knowing what kind of bullet we just dodged. I look up at Troy, not sure if he realizes what just happened and how scary it was. I peer at her little face, immediately recognizing her daddy's nose and her mommy's mouth and chin. She has gorgeous squishy cheeks, beautiful long fingers and a head full of dark hair. Her APGARs are 8 and 9, and she weighs in at 7 lbs. 12 oz. and 20 in. long. And she's fine. I breathe a sigh of relief, put her skin against mine, and realize that all is right in the world.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
5 months, a little belated
I can finally breathe a huge sigh of relief. After months of stress and worry...
EVERYTHING is fine with regards to Lucius's health. His eye straightened itself out. We saw a pediatric neurosurgeon and she said that yes, his head is a little small and a little narrow and tall, but is fine, the neurological issues he was having with the clonus in his legs is gone, HE'S PERFECT. He rolled over yesterday for the first time and now weighs an astonishing 20 lbs. 12 oz.
He snorts when he laughs and has a sparkle in his eye that just melts my heart. He is a wonderful, smiley, happy baby and I am so, so thankful that he is okay.
EVERYTHING is fine with regards to Lucius's health. His eye straightened itself out. We saw a pediatric neurosurgeon and she said that yes, his head is a little small and a little narrow and tall, but is fine, the neurological issues he was having with the clonus in his legs is gone, HE'S PERFECT. He rolled over yesterday for the first time and now weighs an astonishing 20 lbs. 12 oz.
He snorts when he laughs and has a sparkle in his eye that just melts my heart. He is a wonderful, smiley, happy baby and I am so, so thankful that he is okay.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
2 months old
Oh my beautiful sweet boy. What an incredible 2 months we've had. Things are settling down now that you are healthy and I am starting to relax a little about everything and just focusing on being your mommy. It is my favorite thing to do with my day and I could easily spend the rest of my life snuggling with you.
You have grown so much already. We'll find out soon exactly how much you weigh, but you were 12 pounds 2 weeks ago and I'm guessing you've gained another pound or so already. You have a great appetite, despite all the other hurdles you've overcome you never once stopped enjoying your mama milk. You are holding your head up very well these days and you enjoy a reprieve from the constant snuggling by laying in the bassinette of the pack n play to watch your teddy bear mobile. You often have conversations with those bears, and it makes me smile to hear your voice.
I am in awe of you and your beauty and strength. You inspire me to be a better person. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. It is an honor to love you.
You have grown so much already. We'll find out soon exactly how much you weigh, but you were 12 pounds 2 weeks ago and I'm guessing you've gained another pound or so already. You have a great appetite, despite all the other hurdles you've overcome you never once stopped enjoying your mama milk. You are holding your head up very well these days and you enjoy a reprieve from the constant snuggling by laying in the bassinette of the pack n play to watch your teddy bear mobile. You often have conversations with those bears, and it makes me smile to hear your voice.
I am in awe of you and your beauty and strength. You inspire me to be a better person. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. It is an honor to love you.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Saturn return
I've experienced a lot of life-changing things lately. Lucius's pregnancy and birth really spun my head around and I realized that having a safe, healthy mom and baby was a million times more important than how the baby arrived. Then he got sick and got sick again and I realized that doctors, hospitals and medicine aren't ALL bad, and that avoiding Western medicine like the plague actually prolonged our illness and suffering needlessly. I realized that it's okay to let some of the holy crunchy checklist slide, because the most important things are in my arms or asleep down the hall and everything else is just gravy. I realized a course of antibiotics to be rid of a sinus infection in a few days instead of suffering for weeks is actually a really nice thing, and that a pack of Pampers is worth its weight in gold to an exhausted stressed out mommy or daddy who simply does not have the energy to wash a load of diapers, change an outfit because the cloth diaper leaked, or wake up 5 times a night to change the cloth diapers. Here's a pretty big one: I realized a baby with a compromised immune system is better off being vaccinated than being at risk from dying of a preventable disease. I realized a moses basket, pack n play or yes even a crib can be a really nice place to lay a sleeping baby down while I clean, cook, shower or hug my other kids for a while. I realized that although wearing a newborn baby in a sling for a quick shopping trip totally works, a 2 1/2 shopping marathon, not so much. There are times when bringing the baby bucket into the store and using it to hold the baby even for a little while can help me to not feel like I've dislocated my arm. Also in the last few months, I've figured some things out that were causing so much extra work and money because I was being stubborn. I realized that shopping at Wal-Mart saves my family almost $100 a trip. I realized that corn dogs or chicken nuggets were okay for lunch sometimes.
Most of all, I've realized that I've been caring entirely too much about what people think about me and the choices I make for my family. I'm letting some things slide that I was very adamant about before, and I feel GOOD about it because I have more space in my heart and mind to tend to the little people in my life that matter a million times more than winning the crunchiest mom on Earth award.
I'm heading toward what they call the Saturn Return.
Wiki has a good explanation:
The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth -- approximately every 29.5 years -- a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enter adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.
The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.
But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self actualization.
I'm definitely re-evaluating everything and finally figuring some things out. I've got a plan for the next few years and it feels good. It's a little scary because I'm making plans to do some things that are a bit outside what I had originally planned for my family but it's a good solid plan for us moving forward instead of staying stuck in the same place for god knows how long waiting for my husband to find a job.
I hope to be reporting back in this blog someday that all my plans and dreams came true.
Most of all, I've realized that I've been caring entirely too much about what people think about me and the choices I make for my family. I'm letting some things slide that I was very adamant about before, and I feel GOOD about it because I have more space in my heart and mind to tend to the little people in my life that matter a million times more than winning the crunchiest mom on Earth award.
I'm heading toward what they call the Saturn Return.
Wiki has a good explanation:
The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth -- approximately every 29.5 years -- a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enter adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.
The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.
But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self actualization.
I'm definitely re-evaluating everything and finally figuring some things out. I've got a plan for the next few years and it feels good. It's a little scary because I'm making plans to do some things that are a bit outside what I had originally planned for my family but it's a good solid plan for us moving forward instead of staying stuck in the same place for god knows how long waiting for my husband to find a job.
I hope to be reporting back in this blog someday that all my plans and dreams came true.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I wish Stacy and Clinton would pay me a visit
I'm at that weird in-between stage of postpartum where I definitely don't need maternity clothes anymore, I can wear my pre-pregnancy jeans just fine but I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in my clothes that I end up wearing sweats and t-shirts most of the time and I am totally rocking the frumpy mom look. Sigh. I need a personal stylist, and while I'm at it I'd totally take the Bank of America card to go shopping with. :D
Results
The MRI and EEG both came back completely normal. His primary care provider at the moment is incredibly incompetent and entirely too busy to actually pay attention to her patients so we are in the process of changing clinics and doctors and from there we will figure out what, if anything, needs to be done next.
I'm incredibly frustrated with our soon to be former clinic, but so relieved that at least his brain works right.
Oh, and he's up another pound from last week to a whopping 12 pounds. At 6 weeks and 3 days old, that's pretty amazing to have gained 4 pounds already. Growing like a weed, my little man!
I'm incredibly frustrated with our soon to be former clinic, but so relieved that at least his brain works right.
Oh, and he's up another pound from last week to a whopping 12 pounds. At 6 weeks and 3 days old, that's pretty amazing to have gained 4 pounds already. Growing like a weed, my little man!
Monday, March 16, 2009
6 weeks
It has been 6 amazing, tumultuous, crazy, wonderful, harrowing, love-filled weeks since Lucius was born. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and stress and still, I look at him every day with nothing but love and wonderment.
Thank you, sweet baby boy, for being my baby.
Thank you, sweet baby boy, for being my baby.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Cautious hope
Tentatively letting out the breath I've been holding. The preliminary reports on the MRI and EEG appear normal. They need to be fully reviewed by the neurologist but she is cautiously saying his clonic seizures are not brain-induced and will likely go away on their own. I mis-typed earlier with calling them myoclonic seizures. One of the peds had called them that and also called them focal seizures but according to the neurologist they are clonic seizures. Anyway, I should have the full results in a few days but we're cautiously optimistic!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Not much of an update but the MRI is done
It took him longer to recover from the anesthesia than we expected, but otherwise everything went great. We're home now and I'll know the results within 2-3 business days so probably Friday or Monday. We have an EEG tomorrow, and the combination of the two will help us to have a better idea of how his brain is functioning and what, if anything, is wrong.
I appreciate everyone's support and kind words for my sweet little peanut. I promise I'll keep you posted as soon as I know anything.
I appreciate everyone's support and kind words for my sweet little peanut. I promise I'll keep you posted as soon as I know anything.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
MRI tomorrow
Lucius will undergo an MRI with contrast under sedation tomorrow morning. If you have any prayers, good wishes or positive thoughts for him, we could sure use them now. I hope with all of my heart that this test comes back normal.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Another hospital visit, and some difficult news
We've all been sick with a horrible cold for weeks. Lucius got sick on Wednesday and started coughing a bit. Thursday he started sleeping a lot more, not feeding well and towards the evening showed signs of respiratory distress. Friday I took him to the doctor and she sent us to the ER. They admitted him with a diagnosis of RSV. But we are home from the hospital now. He kicked RSV's ass and stole its lunch money. He is home 2 days sooner than any of the doctors expected. Go Lucius!
However...
God this is so hard to write.
There's something wrong with his brain. And his skull. And his eyes.
First, the brain:
Since he was born he's had these myoclonic seizures in his legs, but while he was sick the first time it got so much worse that I could finally show it to doctors. They seemed to feel it was in response to the illness and sure enough it settled down once he was better. He still had the tremors, just not as badly or as often so they said they were because of his immature nervous system and it would stop after a while. Just to be sure they did a CT of his head and it came back fine.
They came back really badly during this illness, to the point where it scared the shit out of me. So the doctors started really looking at it, and it turns out they can induce the tremors any time by pushing up on his toes. Normal newborn myoclonus is usually just a couple beats. They were able to induce up to 15 beats. They think he might have a seizure disorder or other neurological issue.
Also, he opens his eyes and looks around a lot in a twitchy, creepy way while he is sleeping, which could be nothing or it could be related to all of this and could be a sign of a serious neurological problem.
Second, his skull:
His skull is abnormally shaped and on the small side. His anterior fontanelle is very small and his posterior fontanelle cannot be felt by any of the doctors that have tried. It could possibly be related to the brain issues, it could be nothing or it could be another issue in and of itself.
Edited to add: I talked to the doctor today (3/10) and was told his particular cranial issue is called dolichocephaly. They feel he may have craniosynostosis, or may develop it at some point, but for now the fact that his anterior fontanelle is definitely still open and that his sutures are not overlapping is very encouraging that he may not end up needing surgery.
Third, his eyes:
He probably has strabismus, more specifically congenital estropia, which means his eye turns inward abnormally. He may need surgery to fix it. My husband has it so it probably is genetic.
He is recovering fine from the RSV but my heart may not recover from all of this.
However...
God this is so hard to write.
There's something wrong with his brain. And his skull. And his eyes.
First, the brain:
Since he was born he's had these myoclonic seizures in his legs, but while he was sick the first time it got so much worse that I could finally show it to doctors. They seemed to feel it was in response to the illness and sure enough it settled down once he was better. He still had the tremors, just not as badly or as often so they said they were because of his immature nervous system and it would stop after a while. Just to be sure they did a CT of his head and it came back fine.
They came back really badly during this illness, to the point where it scared the shit out of me. So the doctors started really looking at it, and it turns out they can induce the tremors any time by pushing up on his toes. Normal newborn myoclonus is usually just a couple beats. They were able to induce up to 15 beats. They think he might have a seizure disorder or other neurological issue.
Also, he opens his eyes and looks around a lot in a twitchy, creepy way while he is sleeping, which could be nothing or it could be related to all of this and could be a sign of a serious neurological problem.
Second, his skull:
His skull is abnormally shaped and on the small side. His anterior fontanelle is very small and his posterior fontanelle cannot be felt by any of the doctors that have tried. It could possibly be related to the brain issues, it could be nothing or it could be another issue in and of itself.
Edited to add: I talked to the doctor today (3/10) and was told his particular cranial issue is called dolichocephaly. They feel he may have craniosynostosis, or may develop it at some point, but for now the fact that his anterior fontanelle is definitely still open and that his sutures are not overlapping is very encouraging that he may not end up needing surgery.
Third, his eyes:
He probably has strabismus, more specifically congenital estropia, which means his eye turns inward abnormally. He may need surgery to fix it. My husband has it so it probably is genetic.
He is recovering fine from the RSV but my heart may not recover from all of this.
Monday, March 2, 2009
1 month old
It has been a whirlwind of a month since Lucius was born. Scary doesn't even begin to describe some of it.
But again, I'm given the feeling that Lucius is here to teach me some lessons. I've learned a lot already in his short little life, so my eyes are wide open. He truly is wise far beyond his years and this is something I noticed from the moment he was born.
His name means "bringer of light" and I think it is true but not in the sense you normally think. More like shedding light on things I haven't thought of, and opening my mind to things I've previously been closed to. I can definitely see his purpose and place in my life already. I'm amazed. I'm in awe of my beautiful little boy who has taught me more in a month than I've learned in 9, almost 10 years, of motherhood.
I am honored to be his mommy, and so thankful for each moment I've had with him.
But again, I'm given the feeling that Lucius is here to teach me some lessons. I've learned a lot already in his short little life, so my eyes are wide open. He truly is wise far beyond his years and this is something I noticed from the moment he was born.
His name means "bringer of light" and I think it is true but not in the sense you normally think. More like shedding light on things I haven't thought of, and opening my mind to things I've previously been closed to. I can definitely see his purpose and place in my life already. I'm amazed. I'm in awe of my beautiful little boy who has taught me more in a month than I've learned in 9, almost 10 years, of motherhood.
I am honored to be his mommy, and so thankful for each moment I've had with him.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Lucius has been in the hospital
Wednesday I noticed he was acting a little off. He was kind of fussy, felt a little warm to my touch, wasn't sleeping very soundly. I decided to keep an eye on him but tried to go about my day which included a neighbor's son's birthday party. At the party my neighbor held him for a bit and she commented that he felt warm. We went home and I took his temp. It was 100.3 which is just 0.1 degree less than what the doctor at our clinic would call a fever. I wondered and worried for a bit, then later as I was changing his clothes I noticed he had broken out in petechiae (red spots that do not blanch when pressure is applied) all over his body. I got a whole lot more worried because a few symptoms of meningitis are fever and a rash. Then I noticed he was having myclonic seizures in his legs. He seemed to be in pain but I couldn't figure out what exactly was hurting him. And, though it seemed insignificant at the time, he had a bright red spot on his right foot and his leg seemed a bit swollen. I took his temp again and it was 101.8.
At 1am Thursday morning I decided to err on the side of caution and take him to the ER.
Immediately when we got there, the doctor ordered a crazy barrage of tests. Including a lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap), which despite multiple attempts they never got a sample of CSF. So they poked and poked him for nothing. I was SO angry because my tiny baby was screaming and crying and I'm all crazy hormonal, so after a bit I yelled at the doctor and told him he was horrible and that someone else needed to do it. He seemed insulted but decided he was going to admit Lucius so he'd let the pediatric doctor try for the LP.
The peds doctor attempted the LP but wasn't successful either. They decided just to start some antibiotics and try to figure out the illness later. A new doctor came on duty and she happened to be the one that saw Lucius the day we were discharged from the hospital when he was born. He was sent for an x-ray which came back fine. She pointed out that the redness in his foot had spread and the swelling was getting worse. She came back in several times and after just 6 hours since she had come on shift, the swelling and redness in his leg and foot had gone from a small red spot and a bit of swelling to +4 edema from his toes to his groin and his entire foot was swollen and purple-red. We were very confident we'd found the source of infection and her tentative diagnosis was cellulitis. She also witnessed the clonus in his legs and ordered a head CT to check for neurological problems and then said she was going to talk with an infectious disease specialist at a different hospital.
They decided that since A) he'd been given abx and B) we had a probable source of infection that he was not going to have another attempt at the lumbar puncture (thank god) but he was going to be transferred to the children's hospital in Portland. The big concern was that if the infection he seemed to have in his leg had gotten into his bone or joint, he would need surgery or could possibly face amputation. Since that was an emergency, we rode in an ambulance. Thankfully I was able to call my husband and he had a neighbor go pick up my car. You can imagine at this point, it's been over 24 hours since I'd slept and I'd just been told my son could need surgery or could lose his foot or leg, I was in no condition to drive myself.
Immediately upon arrival at the new hospital, I hated it. At the other one, I'd had a huge private room and it had a bed for parents and it was quiet and beautiful and the staff was fabulous. At the new one, it was 2 patients to a room, the rooms were so tiny you had to put away your fold up cot after 8am, the nurses I got were all bitchy and too busy to actually answer questions...I was a mess. I just sat at Lucius's bedside and cried. Finally, a doctor came and told me I couldn't feed him until 6pm (it was noon and he already hadn't nursed since 10am) so he could have an MRI under anesthesia. I got pretty irate and chewed him a new one. Somehow magically an opening appeared in MRI at 2 and by 3:30 we were back in our room and he was nursing and feeling as good as he possibly could.
I finally got to meet the infectious disease specialist and he gave me the good news that the MRI came back clear and all of the blood, sputum and urine cultures had come back negative. Which is good but the flip side of that was that we were kind of shooting in the dark trying to guess what bacteria was making him sick, how exactly to treat it and would he get better. So he switched around his antibiotics a little to try to cover all the bases and we sat back and waited.
On Friday we saw a little improvement. His demeanor was better and his pain seemed under control with just Tylenol. The blood cultures still had shown nothing so we just stayed on course and by Friday night the swelling and redness was receeding visibly. I hadn't slept since Tuesday night and was pretty much delerious but I made friends with the mom whose son shared our room and we passed a lot of time together talking and going to the cafe. Before they went home we exchanged phone numbers.
On Saturday morning his foot and leg looked almost normal, his appetite was completely normal, he had stopped the myoclonic seizures in his legs and he seemed so much better, so the doctor asked us to stick around long enough for him to get a couple more doses of IV antibiotics and we could go home after 2pm.
The official diagnosis was celullitis with unknown causes. There has to be a primary source of infection, where it started in a small wound or scratch, but we never found it. Pretty much this was chalked up to bad luck and a young immune system. We're home now and Lucius is snuggled up with his Daddy. What a horrible ordeal, but I am so glad I listened to my instincts to take him to the ER when I had or the infection might have spread much further in the time it took to figure it all out. I'm so thankful everything turned out okay.
At 1am Thursday morning I decided to err on the side of caution and take him to the ER.
Immediately when we got there, the doctor ordered a crazy barrage of tests. Including a lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap), which despite multiple attempts they never got a sample of CSF. So they poked and poked him for nothing. I was SO angry because my tiny baby was screaming and crying and I'm all crazy hormonal, so after a bit I yelled at the doctor and told him he was horrible and that someone else needed to do it. He seemed insulted but decided he was going to admit Lucius so he'd let the pediatric doctor try for the LP.
The peds doctor attempted the LP but wasn't successful either. They decided just to start some antibiotics and try to figure out the illness later. A new doctor came on duty and she happened to be the one that saw Lucius the day we were discharged from the hospital when he was born. He was sent for an x-ray which came back fine. She pointed out that the redness in his foot had spread and the swelling was getting worse. She came back in several times and after just 6 hours since she had come on shift, the swelling and redness in his leg and foot had gone from a small red spot and a bit of swelling to +4 edema from his toes to his groin and his entire foot was swollen and purple-red. We were very confident we'd found the source of infection and her tentative diagnosis was cellulitis. She also witnessed the clonus in his legs and ordered a head CT to check for neurological problems and then said she was going to talk with an infectious disease specialist at a different hospital.
They decided that since A) he'd been given abx and B) we had a probable source of infection that he was not going to have another attempt at the lumbar puncture (thank god) but he was going to be transferred to the children's hospital in Portland. The big concern was that if the infection he seemed to have in his leg had gotten into his bone or joint, he would need surgery or could possibly face amputation. Since that was an emergency, we rode in an ambulance. Thankfully I was able to call my husband and he had a neighbor go pick up my car. You can imagine at this point, it's been over 24 hours since I'd slept and I'd just been told my son could need surgery or could lose his foot or leg, I was in no condition to drive myself.
Immediately upon arrival at the new hospital, I hated it. At the other one, I'd had a huge private room and it had a bed for parents and it was quiet and beautiful and the staff was fabulous. At the new one, it was 2 patients to a room, the rooms were so tiny you had to put away your fold up cot after 8am, the nurses I got were all bitchy and too busy to actually answer questions...I was a mess. I just sat at Lucius's bedside and cried. Finally, a doctor came and told me I couldn't feed him until 6pm (it was noon and he already hadn't nursed since 10am) so he could have an MRI under anesthesia. I got pretty irate and chewed him a new one. Somehow magically an opening appeared in MRI at 2 and by 3:30 we were back in our room and he was nursing and feeling as good as he possibly could.
I finally got to meet the infectious disease specialist and he gave me the good news that the MRI came back clear and all of the blood, sputum and urine cultures had come back negative. Which is good but the flip side of that was that we were kind of shooting in the dark trying to guess what bacteria was making him sick, how exactly to treat it and would he get better. So he switched around his antibiotics a little to try to cover all the bases and we sat back and waited.
On Friday we saw a little improvement. His demeanor was better and his pain seemed under control with just Tylenol. The blood cultures still had shown nothing so we just stayed on course and by Friday night the swelling and redness was receeding visibly. I hadn't slept since Tuesday night and was pretty much delerious but I made friends with the mom whose son shared our room and we passed a lot of time together talking and going to the cafe. Before they went home we exchanged phone numbers.
On Saturday morning his foot and leg looked almost normal, his appetite was completely normal, he had stopped the myoclonic seizures in his legs and he seemed so much better, so the doctor asked us to stick around long enough for him to get a couple more doses of IV antibiotics and we could go home after 2pm.
The official diagnosis was celullitis with unknown causes. There has to be a primary source of infection, where it started in a small wound or scratch, but we never found it. Pretty much this was chalked up to bad luck and a young immune system. We're home now and Lucius is snuggled up with his Daddy. What a horrible ordeal, but I am so glad I listened to my instincts to take him to the ER when I had or the infection might have spread much further in the time it took to figure it all out. I'm so thankful everything turned out okay.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
2 weeks old (plus a day)
Oh goodness, my sweet little boy is just the most kissable, squishable thing I have ever seen. Don't you just want to put him on a cracker and eat him up?!?!
We went to a well baby visit, just for fun I guess and he is already up a full pound from his birthweight, he's grown 1 1/4 inches and his head has grown an inch.
Probably because we're always like this:
Amy (amycrawfordphotography.com) came by on Sunday and took a ton of pictures of him. Isn't she amazing? (And isn't he so freaking cute????)
I know I said I was done having babies but I'm going to have to rethink that, maybe.
We went to a well baby visit, just for fun I guess and he is already up a full pound from his birthweight, he's grown 1 1/4 inches and his head has grown an inch.
Probably because we're always like this:
Amy (amycrawfordphotography.com) came by on Sunday and took a ton of pictures of him. Isn't she amazing? (And isn't he so freaking cute????)
I know I said I was done having babies but I'm going to have to rethink that, maybe.
Monday, February 9, 2009
1 week old
Lucius is a week old today. It's also his big sister's 2nd birthday. It is indeed a joyous day. I am so completely in love with my newly expanded family, and I've fallen in love with my kids and my husband all over again just seeing how they adore baby Lucius. I didn't think it was possible but he's in competition with Winter and Suriya for the title of the Most Kissed Baby Ever. He is just the sweetest little guy ever.
I got an e-mail the other day asking if I had any regrets about how Lucius's birth went and if hindsight were foresight would I have made different choices. I think this is a great question and I've thought about it myself over the last week.
I don't regret a thing about Lucius's birth. It wasn't the perfect serene home waterbirth I'd envisioned when I first got 2 pink lines. But it was how he was meant to come into the world and he made it safely. I am blessed to have had a wonderful doctor that gave me choices and information all along the way and he genuinely supported me 100% in every decision I made. I could not have asked for a better doctor and I happened upon him by chance. I think Lucius was meant to teach me a lesson or two and I'm already stronger and wiser because of him.
I got an e-mail the other day asking if I had any regrets about how Lucius's birth went and if hindsight were foresight would I have made different choices. I think this is a great question and I've thought about it myself over the last week.
I don't regret a thing about Lucius's birth. It wasn't the perfect serene home waterbirth I'd envisioned when I first got 2 pink lines. But it was how he was meant to come into the world and he made it safely. I am blessed to have had a wonderful doctor that gave me choices and information all along the way and he genuinely supported me 100% in every decision I made. I could not have asked for a better doctor and I happened upon him by chance. I think Lucius was meant to teach me a lesson or two and I'm already stronger and wiser because of him.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Welcome to the world baby Lucius!
I went in as scheduled at 8pm on Sunday night. After all the various conversations on how exactly to induce my labor, my doctor had apparently decided an IV drip of Pitocin was the way to go. Jim and I settled in and the nurses started my iv and hooked me up to the monitors. Over the course of the night they gradually increased the Pitocin until I was contracting every 2-3 minutes. I mostly watched a marathon of House, read trashy magazines and enjoyed the quiet while my husband slept. The nurses were really nice and kept me company, and never once did they insist I had to stay in bed. They brought in a birth ball and encouraged me to move around as much as I wanted. I fell asleep for a bit around 4am but woke up at 6 after I started having some pretty intense pain. The shift changed and I got a new nurse but she was just as nice as the one before her, and she agreed to let my doctor check my progress to keep the exams to a minimum. He was supposed to be there at 8am but I didn't see him until 9:30 because there was an emergency with another patient. He came in and checked me and then reluctantly gave me the news that I had not made any progress all night. He laid the decision at my feet what to do next. We could continue with the Pitocin or we could stop the Pitocin and do a vaginal dose of Cytotec and see what that did. After asking a lot of questions and talking with my husband, we opted for the Cytotec. Pretty much immediately after the Pit was stopped, the contractions slowed so I got a bit of a break, though I was still contracting on my own every 8 minutes. After about 3 hours or so, the doctor came back to do AROM so we could get the baby way down and we could turn the Pit back on and actually get somewhere. After some difficulty we got the water bag broken and the doctor ordered an epidural so they could restart the Pitocin and I could get some sleep. Then my sister and mother arrived. After trying for several hours to get some rest with them there, I started to get frustrated and grouchy, and asked them to just go to my house and I would call them when things picked up. They took my husband so he could see the rest of the kids and take a shower.
After they left, the epidural started to wear off or just not work and I had really intense pain in my left hip during contractions. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and decided to check my progress while we were trying to figure out how to make me more comfortable. I'd finally progressed to a 5 so I was feeling a tiny bit more optomistic. I called my sister to let her know they should consider coming back soon just in case I progressed quickly. The doctor couldn't figure out why I was having so much pain and after giving me several extra doses of meds we pretty much were out of options, so I settled in to just deal as best I could and hope things didn't take much longer.
The pain moved around my pelvis counter-clockwise, finally ending up on my right hip and staying there. It was a 10 on my pain scale. Within 20 minutes or so I started to feel intense downward pressure and asked my nurse to check my progress again. She and I both were shocked to find out I was complete and ready to push.
Um. Crap. My doctor was at home 30 minutes away and my husband, sister and mother were at least 10 minutes away. The nurse got on the phone with my doctor, I called my sister and told her to get her butt back to the hospital now. I laid back, tried not to move and waited.
My husband came flying in the door, followed closely by my sister. They were both wheezing and sweating like they'd run a marathon. I found out later that all the doors had been locked except the entrance to the ER which was on the wrong side of the hospital. They had run all the way through the hospital afraid they'd missed the birth. Apparently my mother had stayed home with the kids because the person that had been watching them wasn't able to any longer.
I relaxed a tiny notch knowing that at least my family wouldn't miss the birth, even if my doctor didn't make it. The hospitalist on call was waiting at the nurse's station to catch just in case.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, my doctor comes walking in the door just as I'm trying to breathe through a contraction and he laughs "Why are you making that face? You should be pushing." He very wisely stayed out of kicking distance. After he got ready, we waited for the next contraction and I said "Are you ready? I'm pushing." I gave it all I had. One more push and he goes "Okay stop pushing." I was confused. I couldn't feel a thing so I thought maybe I was doing it wrong or something. He says "One more tiny push," so I did and suddenly he hands me my new baby.
I had a small tear that needed one stitch but other than that I am feeling great, baby is doing wonderfully and we are home now.
Lucius born at 9:46pm on Monday February 2nd. Groundhog's Day!
He was 8 lbs. even and 20 3/4 inches. He has a tiny little 12 1/2 inch head and is my smallest baby yet!
After they left, the epidural started to wear off or just not work and I had really intense pain in my left hip during contractions. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and decided to check my progress while we were trying to figure out how to make me more comfortable. I'd finally progressed to a 5 so I was feeling a tiny bit more optomistic. I called my sister to let her know they should consider coming back soon just in case I progressed quickly. The doctor couldn't figure out why I was having so much pain and after giving me several extra doses of meds we pretty much were out of options, so I settled in to just deal as best I could and hope things didn't take much longer.
The pain moved around my pelvis counter-clockwise, finally ending up on my right hip and staying there. It was a 10 on my pain scale. Within 20 minutes or so I started to feel intense downward pressure and asked my nurse to check my progress again. She and I both were shocked to find out I was complete and ready to push.
Um. Crap. My doctor was at home 30 minutes away and my husband, sister and mother were at least 10 minutes away. The nurse got on the phone with my doctor, I called my sister and told her to get her butt back to the hospital now. I laid back, tried not to move and waited.
My husband came flying in the door, followed closely by my sister. They were both wheezing and sweating like they'd run a marathon. I found out later that all the doors had been locked except the entrance to the ER which was on the wrong side of the hospital. They had run all the way through the hospital afraid they'd missed the birth. Apparently my mother had stayed home with the kids because the person that had been watching them wasn't able to any longer.
I relaxed a tiny notch knowing that at least my family wouldn't miss the birth, even if my doctor didn't make it. The hospitalist on call was waiting at the nurse's station to catch just in case.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, my doctor comes walking in the door just as I'm trying to breathe through a contraction and he laughs "Why are you making that face? You should be pushing." He very wisely stayed out of kicking distance. After he got ready, we waited for the next contraction and I said "Are you ready? I'm pushing." I gave it all I had. One more push and he goes "Okay stop pushing." I was confused. I couldn't feel a thing so I thought maybe I was doing it wrong or something. He says "One more tiny push," so I did and suddenly he hands me my new baby.
I had a small tear that needed one stitch but other than that I am feeling great, baby is doing wonderfully and we are home now.
Lucius born at 9:46pm on Monday February 2nd. Groundhog's Day!
He was 8 lbs. even and 20 3/4 inches. He has a tiny little 12 1/2 inch head and is my smallest baby yet!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Hanging in there
My BP this morning was 140/86 and my pulse is 90, baby's heartrate is 130 which is his normal. He's moving a lot still so we know he's okay. I spent a long time listening to his heartrate with the fetoscope before I got out of bed.
My head hurts but not *horribly* and I'm a little dizzy/queasy but not *horribly* so the doc says I can stay home. My bloodwork came back okay, but I have to do a 24 hour urine collection and check my BP every 6 hours. Thankfully my doc trusts my mom to take my BP for me, otherwise I'd have to go in. I'm on very strict bedrest and not even allowed to do anything.
I'm basically barely hanging in there by a thread, just hoping I can make it to Sunday. It's only 2 days but now it suddenly seems so far away!
My head hurts but not *horribly* and I'm a little dizzy/queasy but not *horribly* so the doc says I can stay home. My bloodwork came back okay, but I have to do a 24 hour urine collection and check my BP every 6 hours. Thankfully my doc trusts my mom to take my BP for me, otherwise I'd have to go in. I'm on very strict bedrest and not even allowed to do anything.
I'm basically barely hanging in there by a thread, just hoping I can make it to Sunday. It's only 2 days but now it suddenly seems so far away!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Complications
Oh my freaking god you guys, as if this pregnancy hasn't been crazy enough, now I'm probably developing pre-eclampsia! My BP today was sky high and apparently it's been creeping up over the last few weeks but today it was over the threshold for being considered too high. I forget the exact number but my top number was 60 points higher than my usual non-pregnant BP. I was either +2 or +3 on protein in my urine and I gained 6 lbs in a week. I felt like crap all day today and couldn't really pinpoint it to one thing, I had a bad headache and felt dizzy and nauseated but I just chalked it up to overdoing it yesterday walking around the mall. Anyway so if I wasn't already scheduled to go in on Sunday I'd be going in tonight. But I really want to wait for my doctor to come back so Sunday is still the day. The trade off is that I am on strict orders to do absolutely nothing. Sitting or laying down only. Kick counts, 96 ounces of water a day, low sodium, only getting up to pee, the whole nine yards. Seriously crazy!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
38 weeks today!
The baby has settled down a bit lower so the pubic symphysis pain isn't quite as bad the last couple of days. That's not to say it isn't there, but I'm able to get around a little bit. Hopefully it goes away completely after the baby comes. Soon!
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