I can finally breathe a huge sigh of relief. After months of stress and worry...
EVERYTHING is fine with regards to Lucius's health. His eye straightened itself out. We saw a pediatric neurosurgeon and she said that yes, his head is a little small and a little narrow and tall, but is fine, the neurological issues he was having with the clonus in his legs is gone, HE'S PERFECT. He rolled over yesterday for the first time and now weighs an astonishing 20 lbs. 12 oz.
He snorts when he laughs and has a sparkle in his eye that just melts my heart. He is a wonderful, smiley, happy baby and I am so, so thankful that he is okay.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
2 months old
Oh my beautiful sweet boy. What an incredible 2 months we've had. Things are settling down now that you are healthy and I am starting to relax a little about everything and just focusing on being your mommy. It is my favorite thing to do with my day and I could easily spend the rest of my life snuggling with you.
You have grown so much already. We'll find out soon exactly how much you weigh, but you were 12 pounds 2 weeks ago and I'm guessing you've gained another pound or so already. You have a great appetite, despite all the other hurdles you've overcome you never once stopped enjoying your mama milk. You are holding your head up very well these days and you enjoy a reprieve from the constant snuggling by laying in the bassinette of the pack n play to watch your teddy bear mobile. You often have conversations with those bears, and it makes me smile to hear your voice.
I am in awe of you and your beauty and strength. You inspire me to be a better person. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. It is an honor to love you.
You have grown so much already. We'll find out soon exactly how much you weigh, but you were 12 pounds 2 weeks ago and I'm guessing you've gained another pound or so already. You have a great appetite, despite all the other hurdles you've overcome you never once stopped enjoying your mama milk. You are holding your head up very well these days and you enjoy a reprieve from the constant snuggling by laying in the bassinette of the pack n play to watch your teddy bear mobile. You often have conversations with those bears, and it makes me smile to hear your voice.
I am in awe of you and your beauty and strength. You inspire me to be a better person. Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. It is an honor to love you.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
The Saturn return
I've experienced a lot of life-changing things lately. Lucius's pregnancy and birth really spun my head around and I realized that having a safe, healthy mom and baby was a million times more important than how the baby arrived. Then he got sick and got sick again and I realized that doctors, hospitals and medicine aren't ALL bad, and that avoiding Western medicine like the plague actually prolonged our illness and suffering needlessly. I realized that it's okay to let some of the holy crunchy checklist slide, because the most important things are in my arms or asleep down the hall and everything else is just gravy. I realized a course of antibiotics to be rid of a sinus infection in a few days instead of suffering for weeks is actually a really nice thing, and that a pack of Pampers is worth its weight in gold to an exhausted stressed out mommy or daddy who simply does not have the energy to wash a load of diapers, change an outfit because the cloth diaper leaked, or wake up 5 times a night to change the cloth diapers. Here's a pretty big one: I realized a baby with a compromised immune system is better off being vaccinated than being at risk from dying of a preventable disease. I realized a moses basket, pack n play or yes even a crib can be a really nice place to lay a sleeping baby down while I clean, cook, shower or hug my other kids for a while. I realized that although wearing a newborn baby in a sling for a quick shopping trip totally works, a 2 1/2 shopping marathon, not so much. There are times when bringing the baby bucket into the store and using it to hold the baby even for a little while can help me to not feel like I've dislocated my arm. Also in the last few months, I've figured some things out that were causing so much extra work and money because I was being stubborn. I realized that shopping at Wal-Mart saves my family almost $100 a trip. I realized that corn dogs or chicken nuggets were okay for lunch sometimes.
Most of all, I've realized that I've been caring entirely too much about what people think about me and the choices I make for my family. I'm letting some things slide that I was very adamant about before, and I feel GOOD about it because I have more space in my heart and mind to tend to the little people in my life that matter a million times more than winning the crunchiest mom on Earth award.
I'm heading toward what they call the Saturn Return.
Wiki has a good explanation:
The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth -- approximately every 29.5 years -- a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enter adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.
The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.
But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self actualization.
I'm definitely re-evaluating everything and finally figuring some things out. I've got a plan for the next few years and it feels good. It's a little scary because I'm making plans to do some things that are a bit outside what I had originally planned for my family but it's a good solid plan for us moving forward instead of staying stuck in the same place for god knows how long waiting for my husband to find a job.
I hope to be reporting back in this blog someday that all my plans and dreams came true.
Most of all, I've realized that I've been caring entirely too much about what people think about me and the choices I make for my family. I'm letting some things slide that I was very adamant about before, and I feel GOOD about it because I have more space in my heart and mind to tend to the little people in my life that matter a million times more than winning the crunchiest mom on Earth award.
I'm heading toward what they call the Saturn Return.
Wiki has a good explanation:
The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth -- approximately every 29.5 years -- a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enter adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.
The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.
But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self actualization.
I'm definitely re-evaluating everything and finally figuring some things out. I've got a plan for the next few years and it feels good. It's a little scary because I'm making plans to do some things that are a bit outside what I had originally planned for my family but it's a good solid plan for us moving forward instead of staying stuck in the same place for god knows how long waiting for my husband to find a job.
I hope to be reporting back in this blog someday that all my plans and dreams came true.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I wish Stacy and Clinton would pay me a visit
I'm at that weird in-between stage of postpartum where I definitely don't need maternity clothes anymore, I can wear my pre-pregnancy jeans just fine but I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in my clothes that I end up wearing sweats and t-shirts most of the time and I am totally rocking the frumpy mom look. Sigh. I need a personal stylist, and while I'm at it I'd totally take the Bank of America card to go shopping with. :D
Results
The MRI and EEG both came back completely normal. His primary care provider at the moment is incredibly incompetent and entirely too busy to actually pay attention to her patients so we are in the process of changing clinics and doctors and from there we will figure out what, if anything, needs to be done next.
I'm incredibly frustrated with our soon to be former clinic, but so relieved that at least his brain works right.
Oh, and he's up another pound from last week to a whopping 12 pounds. At 6 weeks and 3 days old, that's pretty amazing to have gained 4 pounds already. Growing like a weed, my little man!
I'm incredibly frustrated with our soon to be former clinic, but so relieved that at least his brain works right.
Oh, and he's up another pound from last week to a whopping 12 pounds. At 6 weeks and 3 days old, that's pretty amazing to have gained 4 pounds already. Growing like a weed, my little man!
Monday, March 16, 2009
6 weeks
It has been 6 amazing, tumultuous, crazy, wonderful, harrowing, love-filled weeks since Lucius was born. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions and stress and still, I look at him every day with nothing but love and wonderment.
Thank you, sweet baby boy, for being my baby.
Thank you, sweet baby boy, for being my baby.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Cautious hope
Tentatively letting out the breath I've been holding. The preliminary reports on the MRI and EEG appear normal. They need to be fully reviewed by the neurologist but she is cautiously saying his clonic seizures are not brain-induced and will likely go away on their own. I mis-typed earlier with calling them myoclonic seizures. One of the peds had called them that and also called them focal seizures but according to the neurologist they are clonic seizures. Anyway, I should have the full results in a few days but we're cautiously optimistic!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Not much of an update but the MRI is done
It took him longer to recover from the anesthesia than we expected, but otherwise everything went great. We're home now and I'll know the results within 2-3 business days so probably Friday or Monday. We have an EEG tomorrow, and the combination of the two will help us to have a better idea of how his brain is functioning and what, if anything, is wrong.
I appreciate everyone's support and kind words for my sweet little peanut. I promise I'll keep you posted as soon as I know anything.
I appreciate everyone's support and kind words for my sweet little peanut. I promise I'll keep you posted as soon as I know anything.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
MRI tomorrow
Lucius will undergo an MRI with contrast under sedation tomorrow morning. If you have any prayers, good wishes or positive thoughts for him, we could sure use them now. I hope with all of my heart that this test comes back normal.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Another hospital visit, and some difficult news
We've all been sick with a horrible cold for weeks. Lucius got sick on Wednesday and started coughing a bit. Thursday he started sleeping a lot more, not feeding well and towards the evening showed signs of respiratory distress. Friday I took him to the doctor and she sent us to the ER. They admitted him with a diagnosis of RSV. But we are home from the hospital now. He kicked RSV's ass and stole its lunch money. He is home 2 days sooner than any of the doctors expected. Go Lucius!
However...
God this is so hard to write.
There's something wrong with his brain. And his skull. And his eyes.
First, the brain:
Since he was born he's had these myoclonic seizures in his legs, but while he was sick the first time it got so much worse that I could finally show it to doctors. They seemed to feel it was in response to the illness and sure enough it settled down once he was better. He still had the tremors, just not as badly or as often so they said they were because of his immature nervous system and it would stop after a while. Just to be sure they did a CT of his head and it came back fine.
They came back really badly during this illness, to the point where it scared the shit out of me. So the doctors started really looking at it, and it turns out they can induce the tremors any time by pushing up on his toes. Normal newborn myoclonus is usually just a couple beats. They were able to induce up to 15 beats. They think he might have a seizure disorder or other neurological issue.
Also, he opens his eyes and looks around a lot in a twitchy, creepy way while he is sleeping, which could be nothing or it could be related to all of this and could be a sign of a serious neurological problem.
Second, his skull:
His skull is abnormally shaped and on the small side. His anterior fontanelle is very small and his posterior fontanelle cannot be felt by any of the doctors that have tried. It could possibly be related to the brain issues, it could be nothing or it could be another issue in and of itself.
Edited to add: I talked to the doctor today (3/10) and was told his particular cranial issue is called dolichocephaly. They feel he may have craniosynostosis, or may develop it at some point, but for now the fact that his anterior fontanelle is definitely still open and that his sutures are not overlapping is very encouraging that he may not end up needing surgery.
Third, his eyes:
He probably has strabismus, more specifically congenital estropia, which means his eye turns inward abnormally. He may need surgery to fix it. My husband has it so it probably is genetic.
He is recovering fine from the RSV but my heart may not recover from all of this.
However...
God this is so hard to write.
There's something wrong with his brain. And his skull. And his eyes.
First, the brain:
Since he was born he's had these myoclonic seizures in his legs, but while he was sick the first time it got so much worse that I could finally show it to doctors. They seemed to feel it was in response to the illness and sure enough it settled down once he was better. He still had the tremors, just not as badly or as often so they said they were because of his immature nervous system and it would stop after a while. Just to be sure they did a CT of his head and it came back fine.
They came back really badly during this illness, to the point where it scared the shit out of me. So the doctors started really looking at it, and it turns out they can induce the tremors any time by pushing up on his toes. Normal newborn myoclonus is usually just a couple beats. They were able to induce up to 15 beats. They think he might have a seizure disorder or other neurological issue.
Also, he opens his eyes and looks around a lot in a twitchy, creepy way while he is sleeping, which could be nothing or it could be related to all of this and could be a sign of a serious neurological problem.
Second, his skull:
His skull is abnormally shaped and on the small side. His anterior fontanelle is very small and his posterior fontanelle cannot be felt by any of the doctors that have tried. It could possibly be related to the brain issues, it could be nothing or it could be another issue in and of itself.
Edited to add: I talked to the doctor today (3/10) and was told his particular cranial issue is called dolichocephaly. They feel he may have craniosynostosis, or may develop it at some point, but for now the fact that his anterior fontanelle is definitely still open and that his sutures are not overlapping is very encouraging that he may not end up needing surgery.
Third, his eyes:
He probably has strabismus, more specifically congenital estropia, which means his eye turns inward abnormally. He may need surgery to fix it. My husband has it so it probably is genetic.
He is recovering fine from the RSV but my heart may not recover from all of this.
Monday, March 2, 2009
1 month old
It has been a whirlwind of a month since Lucius was born. Scary doesn't even begin to describe some of it.
But again, I'm given the feeling that Lucius is here to teach me some lessons. I've learned a lot already in his short little life, so my eyes are wide open. He truly is wise far beyond his years and this is something I noticed from the moment he was born.
His name means "bringer of light" and I think it is true but not in the sense you normally think. More like shedding light on things I haven't thought of, and opening my mind to things I've previously been closed to. I can definitely see his purpose and place in my life already. I'm amazed. I'm in awe of my beautiful little boy who has taught me more in a month than I've learned in 9, almost 10 years, of motherhood.
I am honored to be his mommy, and so thankful for each moment I've had with him.
But again, I'm given the feeling that Lucius is here to teach me some lessons. I've learned a lot already in his short little life, so my eyes are wide open. He truly is wise far beyond his years and this is something I noticed from the moment he was born.
His name means "bringer of light" and I think it is true but not in the sense you normally think. More like shedding light on things I haven't thought of, and opening my mind to things I've previously been closed to. I can definitely see his purpose and place in my life already. I'm amazed. I'm in awe of my beautiful little boy who has taught me more in a month than I've learned in 9, almost 10 years, of motherhood.
I am honored to be his mommy, and so thankful for each moment I've had with him.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Lucius has been in the hospital
Wednesday I noticed he was acting a little off. He was kind of fussy, felt a little warm to my touch, wasn't sleeping very soundly. I decided to keep an eye on him but tried to go about my day which included a neighbor's son's birthday party. At the party my neighbor held him for a bit and she commented that he felt warm. We went home and I took his temp. It was 100.3 which is just 0.1 degree less than what the doctor at our clinic would call a fever. I wondered and worried for a bit, then later as I was changing his clothes I noticed he had broken out in petechiae (red spots that do not blanch when pressure is applied) all over his body. I got a whole lot more worried because a few symptoms of meningitis are fever and a rash. Then I noticed he was having myclonic seizures in his legs. He seemed to be in pain but I couldn't figure out what exactly was hurting him. And, though it seemed insignificant at the time, he had a bright red spot on his right foot and his leg seemed a bit swollen. I took his temp again and it was 101.8.
At 1am Thursday morning I decided to err on the side of caution and take him to the ER.
Immediately when we got there, the doctor ordered a crazy barrage of tests. Including a lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap), which despite multiple attempts they never got a sample of CSF. So they poked and poked him for nothing. I was SO angry because my tiny baby was screaming and crying and I'm all crazy hormonal, so after a bit I yelled at the doctor and told him he was horrible and that someone else needed to do it. He seemed insulted but decided he was going to admit Lucius so he'd let the pediatric doctor try for the LP.
The peds doctor attempted the LP but wasn't successful either. They decided just to start some antibiotics and try to figure out the illness later. A new doctor came on duty and she happened to be the one that saw Lucius the day we were discharged from the hospital when he was born. He was sent for an x-ray which came back fine. She pointed out that the redness in his foot had spread and the swelling was getting worse. She came back in several times and after just 6 hours since she had come on shift, the swelling and redness in his leg and foot had gone from a small red spot and a bit of swelling to +4 edema from his toes to his groin and his entire foot was swollen and purple-red. We were very confident we'd found the source of infection and her tentative diagnosis was cellulitis. She also witnessed the clonus in his legs and ordered a head CT to check for neurological problems and then said she was going to talk with an infectious disease specialist at a different hospital.
They decided that since A) he'd been given abx and B) we had a probable source of infection that he was not going to have another attempt at the lumbar puncture (thank god) but he was going to be transferred to the children's hospital in Portland. The big concern was that if the infection he seemed to have in his leg had gotten into his bone or joint, he would need surgery or could possibly face amputation. Since that was an emergency, we rode in an ambulance. Thankfully I was able to call my husband and he had a neighbor go pick up my car. You can imagine at this point, it's been over 24 hours since I'd slept and I'd just been told my son could need surgery or could lose his foot or leg, I was in no condition to drive myself.
Immediately upon arrival at the new hospital, I hated it. At the other one, I'd had a huge private room and it had a bed for parents and it was quiet and beautiful and the staff was fabulous. At the new one, it was 2 patients to a room, the rooms were so tiny you had to put away your fold up cot after 8am, the nurses I got were all bitchy and too busy to actually answer questions...I was a mess. I just sat at Lucius's bedside and cried. Finally, a doctor came and told me I couldn't feed him until 6pm (it was noon and he already hadn't nursed since 10am) so he could have an MRI under anesthesia. I got pretty irate and chewed him a new one. Somehow magically an opening appeared in MRI at 2 and by 3:30 we were back in our room and he was nursing and feeling as good as he possibly could.
I finally got to meet the infectious disease specialist and he gave me the good news that the MRI came back clear and all of the blood, sputum and urine cultures had come back negative. Which is good but the flip side of that was that we were kind of shooting in the dark trying to guess what bacteria was making him sick, how exactly to treat it and would he get better. So he switched around his antibiotics a little to try to cover all the bases and we sat back and waited.
On Friday we saw a little improvement. His demeanor was better and his pain seemed under control with just Tylenol. The blood cultures still had shown nothing so we just stayed on course and by Friday night the swelling and redness was receeding visibly. I hadn't slept since Tuesday night and was pretty much delerious but I made friends with the mom whose son shared our room and we passed a lot of time together talking and going to the cafe. Before they went home we exchanged phone numbers.
On Saturday morning his foot and leg looked almost normal, his appetite was completely normal, he had stopped the myoclonic seizures in his legs and he seemed so much better, so the doctor asked us to stick around long enough for him to get a couple more doses of IV antibiotics and we could go home after 2pm.
The official diagnosis was celullitis with unknown causes. There has to be a primary source of infection, where it started in a small wound or scratch, but we never found it. Pretty much this was chalked up to bad luck and a young immune system. We're home now and Lucius is snuggled up with his Daddy. What a horrible ordeal, but I am so glad I listened to my instincts to take him to the ER when I had or the infection might have spread much further in the time it took to figure it all out. I'm so thankful everything turned out okay.
At 1am Thursday morning I decided to err on the side of caution and take him to the ER.
Immediately when we got there, the doctor ordered a crazy barrage of tests. Including a lumbar puncture (aka spinal tap), which despite multiple attempts they never got a sample of CSF. So they poked and poked him for nothing. I was SO angry because my tiny baby was screaming and crying and I'm all crazy hormonal, so after a bit I yelled at the doctor and told him he was horrible and that someone else needed to do it. He seemed insulted but decided he was going to admit Lucius so he'd let the pediatric doctor try for the LP.
The peds doctor attempted the LP but wasn't successful either. They decided just to start some antibiotics and try to figure out the illness later. A new doctor came on duty and she happened to be the one that saw Lucius the day we were discharged from the hospital when he was born. He was sent for an x-ray which came back fine. She pointed out that the redness in his foot had spread and the swelling was getting worse. She came back in several times and after just 6 hours since she had come on shift, the swelling and redness in his leg and foot had gone from a small red spot and a bit of swelling to +4 edema from his toes to his groin and his entire foot was swollen and purple-red. We were very confident we'd found the source of infection and her tentative diagnosis was cellulitis. She also witnessed the clonus in his legs and ordered a head CT to check for neurological problems and then said she was going to talk with an infectious disease specialist at a different hospital.
They decided that since A) he'd been given abx and B) we had a probable source of infection that he was not going to have another attempt at the lumbar puncture (thank god) but he was going to be transferred to the children's hospital in Portland. The big concern was that if the infection he seemed to have in his leg had gotten into his bone or joint, he would need surgery or could possibly face amputation. Since that was an emergency, we rode in an ambulance. Thankfully I was able to call my husband and he had a neighbor go pick up my car. You can imagine at this point, it's been over 24 hours since I'd slept and I'd just been told my son could need surgery or could lose his foot or leg, I was in no condition to drive myself.
Immediately upon arrival at the new hospital, I hated it. At the other one, I'd had a huge private room and it had a bed for parents and it was quiet and beautiful and the staff was fabulous. At the new one, it was 2 patients to a room, the rooms were so tiny you had to put away your fold up cot after 8am, the nurses I got were all bitchy and too busy to actually answer questions...I was a mess. I just sat at Lucius's bedside and cried. Finally, a doctor came and told me I couldn't feed him until 6pm (it was noon and he already hadn't nursed since 10am) so he could have an MRI under anesthesia. I got pretty irate and chewed him a new one. Somehow magically an opening appeared in MRI at 2 and by 3:30 we were back in our room and he was nursing and feeling as good as he possibly could.
I finally got to meet the infectious disease specialist and he gave me the good news that the MRI came back clear and all of the blood, sputum and urine cultures had come back negative. Which is good but the flip side of that was that we were kind of shooting in the dark trying to guess what bacteria was making him sick, how exactly to treat it and would he get better. So he switched around his antibiotics a little to try to cover all the bases and we sat back and waited.
On Friday we saw a little improvement. His demeanor was better and his pain seemed under control with just Tylenol. The blood cultures still had shown nothing so we just stayed on course and by Friday night the swelling and redness was receeding visibly. I hadn't slept since Tuesday night and was pretty much delerious but I made friends with the mom whose son shared our room and we passed a lot of time together talking and going to the cafe. Before they went home we exchanged phone numbers.
On Saturday morning his foot and leg looked almost normal, his appetite was completely normal, he had stopped the myoclonic seizures in his legs and he seemed so much better, so the doctor asked us to stick around long enough for him to get a couple more doses of IV antibiotics and we could go home after 2pm.
The official diagnosis was celullitis with unknown causes. There has to be a primary source of infection, where it started in a small wound or scratch, but we never found it. Pretty much this was chalked up to bad luck and a young immune system. We're home now and Lucius is snuggled up with his Daddy. What a horrible ordeal, but I am so glad I listened to my instincts to take him to the ER when I had or the infection might have spread much further in the time it took to figure it all out. I'm so thankful everything turned out okay.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
2 weeks old (plus a day)
Oh goodness, my sweet little boy is just the most kissable, squishable thing I have ever seen. Don't you just want to put him on a cracker and eat him up?!?!
We went to a well baby visit, just for fun I guess and he is already up a full pound from his birthweight, he's grown 1 1/4 inches and his head has grown an inch.
Probably because we're always like this:
Amy (amycrawfordphotography.com) came by on Sunday and took a ton of pictures of him. Isn't she amazing? (And isn't he so freaking cute????)
I know I said I was done having babies but I'm going to have to rethink that, maybe.
We went to a well baby visit, just for fun I guess and he is already up a full pound from his birthweight, he's grown 1 1/4 inches and his head has grown an inch.
Probably because we're always like this:
Amy (amycrawfordphotography.com) came by on Sunday and took a ton of pictures of him. Isn't she amazing? (And isn't he so freaking cute????)
I know I said I was done having babies but I'm going to have to rethink that, maybe.
Monday, February 9, 2009
1 week old
Lucius is a week old today. It's also his big sister's 2nd birthday. It is indeed a joyous day. I am so completely in love with my newly expanded family, and I've fallen in love with my kids and my husband all over again just seeing how they adore baby Lucius. I didn't think it was possible but he's in competition with Winter and Suriya for the title of the Most Kissed Baby Ever. He is just the sweetest little guy ever.
I got an e-mail the other day asking if I had any regrets about how Lucius's birth went and if hindsight were foresight would I have made different choices. I think this is a great question and I've thought about it myself over the last week.
I don't regret a thing about Lucius's birth. It wasn't the perfect serene home waterbirth I'd envisioned when I first got 2 pink lines. But it was how he was meant to come into the world and he made it safely. I am blessed to have had a wonderful doctor that gave me choices and information all along the way and he genuinely supported me 100% in every decision I made. I could not have asked for a better doctor and I happened upon him by chance. I think Lucius was meant to teach me a lesson or two and I'm already stronger and wiser because of him.
I got an e-mail the other day asking if I had any regrets about how Lucius's birth went and if hindsight were foresight would I have made different choices. I think this is a great question and I've thought about it myself over the last week.
I don't regret a thing about Lucius's birth. It wasn't the perfect serene home waterbirth I'd envisioned when I first got 2 pink lines. But it was how he was meant to come into the world and he made it safely. I am blessed to have had a wonderful doctor that gave me choices and information all along the way and he genuinely supported me 100% in every decision I made. I could not have asked for a better doctor and I happened upon him by chance. I think Lucius was meant to teach me a lesson or two and I'm already stronger and wiser because of him.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Welcome to the world baby Lucius!
I went in as scheduled at 8pm on Sunday night. After all the various conversations on how exactly to induce my labor, my doctor had apparently decided an IV drip of Pitocin was the way to go. Jim and I settled in and the nurses started my iv and hooked me up to the monitors. Over the course of the night they gradually increased the Pitocin until I was contracting every 2-3 minutes. I mostly watched a marathon of House, read trashy magazines and enjoyed the quiet while my husband slept. The nurses were really nice and kept me company, and never once did they insist I had to stay in bed. They brought in a birth ball and encouraged me to move around as much as I wanted. I fell asleep for a bit around 4am but woke up at 6 after I started having some pretty intense pain. The shift changed and I got a new nurse but she was just as nice as the one before her, and she agreed to let my doctor check my progress to keep the exams to a minimum. He was supposed to be there at 8am but I didn't see him until 9:30 because there was an emergency with another patient. He came in and checked me and then reluctantly gave me the news that I had not made any progress all night. He laid the decision at my feet what to do next. We could continue with the Pitocin or we could stop the Pitocin and do a vaginal dose of Cytotec and see what that did. After asking a lot of questions and talking with my husband, we opted for the Cytotec. Pretty much immediately after the Pit was stopped, the contractions slowed so I got a bit of a break, though I was still contracting on my own every 8 minutes. After about 3 hours or so, the doctor came back to do AROM so we could get the baby way down and we could turn the Pit back on and actually get somewhere. After some difficulty we got the water bag broken and the doctor ordered an epidural so they could restart the Pitocin and I could get some sleep. Then my sister and mother arrived. After trying for several hours to get some rest with them there, I started to get frustrated and grouchy, and asked them to just go to my house and I would call them when things picked up. They took my husband so he could see the rest of the kids and take a shower.
After they left, the epidural started to wear off or just not work and I had really intense pain in my left hip during contractions. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and decided to check my progress while we were trying to figure out how to make me more comfortable. I'd finally progressed to a 5 so I was feeling a tiny bit more optomistic. I called my sister to let her know they should consider coming back soon just in case I progressed quickly. The doctor couldn't figure out why I was having so much pain and after giving me several extra doses of meds we pretty much were out of options, so I settled in to just deal as best I could and hope things didn't take much longer.
The pain moved around my pelvis counter-clockwise, finally ending up on my right hip and staying there. It was a 10 on my pain scale. Within 20 minutes or so I started to feel intense downward pressure and asked my nurse to check my progress again. She and I both were shocked to find out I was complete and ready to push.
Um. Crap. My doctor was at home 30 minutes away and my husband, sister and mother were at least 10 minutes away. The nurse got on the phone with my doctor, I called my sister and told her to get her butt back to the hospital now. I laid back, tried not to move and waited.
My husband came flying in the door, followed closely by my sister. They were both wheezing and sweating like they'd run a marathon. I found out later that all the doors had been locked except the entrance to the ER which was on the wrong side of the hospital. They had run all the way through the hospital afraid they'd missed the birth. Apparently my mother had stayed home with the kids because the person that had been watching them wasn't able to any longer.
I relaxed a tiny notch knowing that at least my family wouldn't miss the birth, even if my doctor didn't make it. The hospitalist on call was waiting at the nurse's station to catch just in case.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, my doctor comes walking in the door just as I'm trying to breathe through a contraction and he laughs "Why are you making that face? You should be pushing." He very wisely stayed out of kicking distance. After he got ready, we waited for the next contraction and I said "Are you ready? I'm pushing." I gave it all I had. One more push and he goes "Okay stop pushing." I was confused. I couldn't feel a thing so I thought maybe I was doing it wrong or something. He says "One more tiny push," so I did and suddenly he hands me my new baby.
I had a small tear that needed one stitch but other than that I am feeling great, baby is doing wonderfully and we are home now.
Lucius born at 9:46pm on Monday February 2nd. Groundhog's Day!
He was 8 lbs. even and 20 3/4 inches. He has a tiny little 12 1/2 inch head and is my smallest baby yet!
After they left, the epidural started to wear off or just not work and I had really intense pain in my left hip during contractions. The nurse called the anesthesiologist and decided to check my progress while we were trying to figure out how to make me more comfortable. I'd finally progressed to a 5 so I was feeling a tiny bit more optomistic. I called my sister to let her know they should consider coming back soon just in case I progressed quickly. The doctor couldn't figure out why I was having so much pain and after giving me several extra doses of meds we pretty much were out of options, so I settled in to just deal as best I could and hope things didn't take much longer.
The pain moved around my pelvis counter-clockwise, finally ending up on my right hip and staying there. It was a 10 on my pain scale. Within 20 minutes or so I started to feel intense downward pressure and asked my nurse to check my progress again. She and I both were shocked to find out I was complete and ready to push.
Um. Crap. My doctor was at home 30 minutes away and my husband, sister and mother were at least 10 minutes away. The nurse got on the phone with my doctor, I called my sister and told her to get her butt back to the hospital now. I laid back, tried not to move and waited.
My husband came flying in the door, followed closely by my sister. They were both wheezing and sweating like they'd run a marathon. I found out later that all the doors had been locked except the entrance to the ER which was on the wrong side of the hospital. They had run all the way through the hospital afraid they'd missed the birth. Apparently my mother had stayed home with the kids because the person that had been watching them wasn't able to any longer.
I relaxed a tiny notch knowing that at least my family wouldn't miss the birth, even if my doctor didn't make it. The hospitalist on call was waiting at the nurse's station to catch just in case.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, my doctor comes walking in the door just as I'm trying to breathe through a contraction and he laughs "Why are you making that face? You should be pushing." He very wisely stayed out of kicking distance. After he got ready, we waited for the next contraction and I said "Are you ready? I'm pushing." I gave it all I had. One more push and he goes "Okay stop pushing." I was confused. I couldn't feel a thing so I thought maybe I was doing it wrong or something. He says "One more tiny push," so I did and suddenly he hands me my new baby.
I had a small tear that needed one stitch but other than that I am feeling great, baby is doing wonderfully and we are home now.
Lucius born at 9:46pm on Monday February 2nd. Groundhog's Day!
He was 8 lbs. even and 20 3/4 inches. He has a tiny little 12 1/2 inch head and is my smallest baby yet!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Hanging in there
My BP this morning was 140/86 and my pulse is 90, baby's heartrate is 130 which is his normal. He's moving a lot still so we know he's okay. I spent a long time listening to his heartrate with the fetoscope before I got out of bed.
My head hurts but not *horribly* and I'm a little dizzy/queasy but not *horribly* so the doc says I can stay home. My bloodwork came back okay, but I have to do a 24 hour urine collection and check my BP every 6 hours. Thankfully my doc trusts my mom to take my BP for me, otherwise I'd have to go in. I'm on very strict bedrest and not even allowed to do anything.
I'm basically barely hanging in there by a thread, just hoping I can make it to Sunday. It's only 2 days but now it suddenly seems so far away!
My head hurts but not *horribly* and I'm a little dizzy/queasy but not *horribly* so the doc says I can stay home. My bloodwork came back okay, but I have to do a 24 hour urine collection and check my BP every 6 hours. Thankfully my doc trusts my mom to take my BP for me, otherwise I'd have to go in. I'm on very strict bedrest and not even allowed to do anything.
I'm basically barely hanging in there by a thread, just hoping I can make it to Sunday. It's only 2 days but now it suddenly seems so far away!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Complications
Oh my freaking god you guys, as if this pregnancy hasn't been crazy enough, now I'm probably developing pre-eclampsia! My BP today was sky high and apparently it's been creeping up over the last few weeks but today it was over the threshold for being considered too high. I forget the exact number but my top number was 60 points higher than my usual non-pregnant BP. I was either +2 or +3 on protein in my urine and I gained 6 lbs in a week. I felt like crap all day today and couldn't really pinpoint it to one thing, I had a bad headache and felt dizzy and nauseated but I just chalked it up to overdoing it yesterday walking around the mall. Anyway so if I wasn't already scheduled to go in on Sunday I'd be going in tonight. But I really want to wait for my doctor to come back so Sunday is still the day. The trade off is that I am on strict orders to do absolutely nothing. Sitting or laying down only. Kick counts, 96 ounces of water a day, low sodium, only getting up to pee, the whole nine yards. Seriously crazy!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
38 weeks today!
The baby has settled down a bit lower so the pubic symphysis pain isn't quite as bad the last couple of days. That's not to say it isn't there, but I'm able to get around a little bit. Hopefully it goes away completely after the baby comes. Soon!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Maternity photo shoot
Yesterday the fabulous and talented photographer that took pics of our wedding did a quick maternity photo shoot with me down by the river.
http://blog.amycrawfordphotography.com/
I'm 37 weeks tomorrow!
http://blog.amycrawfordphotography.com/
I'm 37 weeks tomorrow!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
36w5d
37 weeks is almost upon me. Full term, by everyone's definition, although a week and a half ago my doctor said they wouldn't have stopped labor had I come in to the hospital.
All the contractions and pressure and back pain make me wonder if I actually might go into labor on my own early, but my history of going past my EDD gives me doubt. I can't really do anything about either one anyway so I'm just keeping the house clean and hoping I can really depend on my family to go to the store if we need it or something.
My mom has a couple of freezer meals ready for us and I plan on making some things ahead this week so really, the only thing left to do is wait!
All the contractions and pressure and back pain make me wonder if I actually might go into labor on my own early, but my history of going past my EDD gives me doubt. I can't really do anything about either one anyway so I'm just keeping the house clean and hoping I can really depend on my family to go to the store if we need it or something.
My mom has a couple of freezer meals ready for us and I plan on making some things ahead this week so really, the only thing left to do is wait!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
36 weeks
I am obviously gigantic pregnant, but I didn't realize I was also a ticking time bomb of emotional sensitivity. Heh. Um. Yeah.
I need a hug.
I need a hug.
Friday, January 9, 2009
An update
Apparently there was an error on the previous ultrasound where the tech measured a blood vessel as being part of the placenta but it was actually one of my blood vessels. My new doctor had his own tech do the ultrasound and he watched and what they saw was a measurement of 3.3cm. The other clinic's measurement was 1.5cm so just having a different doctor do the ultrasound made all the difference.
A homebirth was put on the table for consideration, but I have an oogy gut feeling about it so I think I will opt for a vaginal hospital birth because if I'm afraid and worried about bleeding I probably wouldn't have a very good birth experience. Nothing matters more to me than the safety of my baby and I feel like the risk is a bit more than I want to take.
I really would love to have a homebirth but I would only do so if it was perfectly safe and I just don't think it is because the previa is so borderline on the edge of safe. I'd rather err on the side of caution.
Thankfully the hospital I'll be birthing at is pretty cool and my doctor is really encouraging me to have a natural birth. It will be a strange experience for me, but even if I do end up needing a cesarean I'm okay with it because having a good chance at a normal birth is better than what I thought I was going to get.
I'm 35 weeks and 4 days now so really, the baby could come any time, but I hope he'll wait until the sun moves into Aquarius.
A homebirth was put on the table for consideration, but I have an oogy gut feeling about it so I think I will opt for a vaginal hospital birth because if I'm afraid and worried about bleeding I probably wouldn't have a very good birth experience. Nothing matters more to me than the safety of my baby and I feel like the risk is a bit more than I want to take.
I really would love to have a homebirth but I would only do so if it was perfectly safe and I just don't think it is because the previa is so borderline on the edge of safe. I'd rather err on the side of caution.
Thankfully the hospital I'll be birthing at is pretty cool and my doctor is really encouraging me to have a natural birth. It will be a strange experience for me, but even if I do end up needing a cesarean I'm okay with it because having a good chance at a normal birth is better than what I thought I was going to get.
I'm 35 weeks and 4 days now so really, the baby could come any time, but I hope he'll wait until the sun moves into Aquarius.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The beginning of the story
Back in July, shortly after I found out my husband and I were expecting a baby in February, I paid for an online psychic reading to predict the gender of my baby and when he or she would be born. I had also asked her about a miscarriage I'd had in April as well as about my current pregnancy. What she said was:
Well, from the layout of your reading the miscarriage was a boy. And normally I don't get that information without a purpose and seeing as another boy is indicated in just a few months (they show in the reading together) I would feel inclined to tell you that this current pregnancy is also a boy - that same boy.
Even though your EDD shows as the start of February 2009 (as you stated the 10th)...I see the birth by C/S the end of January (around the 30th). There is no darkness or cautions around this birth so rest assure that everything runs smoothly and actually feels very planned out.
I have had one hospital birth, vaginal but as far from natural as you can get, with an OB. One hospital birth with a CNM that was not terrible. One perfect, blissful home waterbirth with a CPM and one slightly scary and complicated home waterbirth with a CPM. I also had a pretty traumatic miscarriage in April that led to a severe hemmorhage, a hospital emergency room visit and a D&C. I've never had a cesarean and honestly thought I never would. So after getting this reading, I laughed! I showed my husband and my friends and blogged about it on MySpace, joking about how silly the idea of me having a cesarean was, a planned one at that, 10 days before my due date.
I brushed it off and went about my business, watching the summer pass into autumn and the leaves start to change color. I hired a homebirth midwife and started to relax about the pregnancy as I started to be able to feel kicks and hear the heartbeat with the fetoscope my midwife had loaned me.
It was a cold and rainy day in early October when we had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound. After having such a terrible miscarriage, and for our own reassurance about having a homebirth we decided we needed to have just one ultrasound to ensure everything was fine.
As it turns out, almost everything was fine. Our little baby boy was growing, healthy and beautiful and right on target for his gestational age, his heart, brain and other vital organs all looked perfect. Just one tiny little thing, a minor issue really. The edge of the placenta was right on the very edge of the inner os of the cervix. It's called a marginal placenta previa, and when found at 20-24 weeks, most of them resolve by term. I came home and called my midwife and she assured me it was very likely it would move up far enough to have a safe homebirth.
I tried to relax about it as much as I could. I did as much reading about it as I could tolerate and found one particular study that said that multiparas (moms who have given birth before) especially those with higher parity are at higher risk for previa and are at higher risk for it not resolving by term. The study also said moms with previous uterine surgery (such as cesarean or D&C) also carried these risks. I mentioned it to the CNMs I was receiving shadow care from and they brushed me off and refused to discuss it with me.
I was scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound at a maternal-fetal medicine clinic where they have the fancy 3D machines. I went in at 28 weeks, 6 weeks after the first ultrasound and was surprised to hear that there had been absolutely no change in the positioning of the placenta. I was told by the perinatologist that I would have another ultrasound in 6 weeks but that she did not expect it to resolve and that I should think about plans for a cesarean.
Again, when I tried to discuss this with the CNMs I was brushed off. My homebirth midwife and I decided there was little hope for a homebirth at that point. I was stuck getting prenatal care from people who didn't know anything about me that wasn't written in my chart, who didn't answer my questions or address my concerns. I pre-registered at the hospital and toured the "family birth center" and went through the motions of preparing for a surgical birth. In my heart I never completely gave up hope.
My 34 week ultrasound was scheduled for the last day of 2008. This was my last chance for resolution. I woke up before dawn and spent some quiet time asking the Universe for strength to get through whatever the day offered. I steeled myself and walked out the door at 7am.
I sat in the waiting room texting my friend, begging for some companionship just to get through the next moments that had the potential to change my life pretty significantly. Finally my name was called and I went back to the ultrasound room. The tech was the same one I'd had before and she remembered the name we'd chosen for our son. She said because of the low-lying placenta she needed to do a growth scan to check for IUGR. She casually said "From here it looks like the placenta has moved a lot. I'll have to do an endovaginal ultrasound to take the exact measurements though." She was really nice and we chatted about our kids, laughed at how much the baby moved against the ultrasound probe and we talked about how awful the weather had been the week of Christmas. After she finished the growth scan and pronounced the baby healthy and growing right on track, she left the room so I could undress and drape with a sheet. She took a few more minutes than I needed, and as I lay there waiting for her I pictured calling my homebirth midwife and telling her the placenta had moved so much I could have my homebirth after all. I tried to think of how quickly I could get a birth kit and a pool. I wanted to call my husband right that moment because I was so elated. I mean, why would the tech say it had moved if she wasn't sure, right?
The tech finally came back in and started the ultrasound. After a few moments of looking at the screen, the friendly banter was gone. She went stone faced and didn't say another word. She finished her measurements and told me the perinatologist would be in shortly. She left without another word.
My heart sank. Into the floor and beyond. As I got dressed and waited for the doctor, I KNEW the tech had misspoken. I knew that it was not good news, and she realized it and didn't want to be the one to break it to me.
The doctor came in after a few minutes and he got right to the point. There was insignificant change in the placenta, not anywhere near enough for a safe natural birth and so we were going ahead with a scheduled cesarean.
I have this strange coping mechanism, whenever someone gives me bad news, I get very friendly and smile a lot. I don't know why and a lot of people find it very unnerving. Really, if I showed them what was really going on I would probably cry. Needless to say I was very nice to this doctor and thanked him and walked out of the office smiling.
I made it almost to my car before the tears started to fall. I don't think it would have been such a gut punch if the tech hadn't said it looked like it had moved. If I'd never gotten my hopes up that high. Even the few minutes I was waiting, I had made a lot of plans in my head. I called my husband and texted my friend and drove home in a fugue state.
I found out the hospital I'm familiar with isn't the one I'll be giving birth at, and that my care will be transferred to doctors I've never met. I'm 34 weeks and I have to get to know a new group of doctors and find my way around an unfamiliar hospital. A virtual stranger will be doing my surgery and delivering my baby.
I am taking this one moment at a time right now. It is the most I can expect from myself. Hopefully soon I will be able to meet my new doctors and get some questions answered. I suppose we'll be choosing my baby's birthday and I'll find out if I can have my midwife there for the birth as a doula or if only my husband will be there. I need to find some help for my husband who will be responsible for everything while I recover.
I am blown away that 6 months ago a psychic on the internet predicted this for $6. I never imagined the possibility.
Well, from the layout of your reading the miscarriage was a boy. And normally I don't get that information without a purpose and seeing as another boy is indicated in just a few months (they show in the reading together) I would feel inclined to tell you that this current pregnancy is also a boy - that same boy.
Even though your EDD shows as the start of February 2009 (as you stated the 10th)...I see the birth by C/S the end of January (around the 30th). There is no darkness or cautions around this birth so rest assure that everything runs smoothly and actually feels very planned out.
I have had one hospital birth, vaginal but as far from natural as you can get, with an OB. One hospital birth with a CNM that was not terrible. One perfect, blissful home waterbirth with a CPM and one slightly scary and complicated home waterbirth with a CPM. I also had a pretty traumatic miscarriage in April that led to a severe hemmorhage, a hospital emergency room visit and a D&C. I've never had a cesarean and honestly thought I never would. So after getting this reading, I laughed! I showed my husband and my friends and blogged about it on MySpace, joking about how silly the idea of me having a cesarean was, a planned one at that, 10 days before my due date.
I brushed it off and went about my business, watching the summer pass into autumn and the leaves start to change color. I hired a homebirth midwife and started to relax about the pregnancy as I started to be able to feel kicks and hear the heartbeat with the fetoscope my midwife had loaned me.
It was a cold and rainy day in early October when we had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound. After having such a terrible miscarriage, and for our own reassurance about having a homebirth we decided we needed to have just one ultrasound to ensure everything was fine.
As it turns out, almost everything was fine. Our little baby boy was growing, healthy and beautiful and right on target for his gestational age, his heart, brain and other vital organs all looked perfect. Just one tiny little thing, a minor issue really. The edge of the placenta was right on the very edge of the inner os of the cervix. It's called a marginal placenta previa, and when found at 20-24 weeks, most of them resolve by term. I came home and called my midwife and she assured me it was very likely it would move up far enough to have a safe homebirth.
I tried to relax about it as much as I could. I did as much reading about it as I could tolerate and found one particular study that said that multiparas (moms who have given birth before) especially those with higher parity are at higher risk for previa and are at higher risk for it not resolving by term. The study also said moms with previous uterine surgery (such as cesarean or D&C) also carried these risks. I mentioned it to the CNMs I was receiving shadow care from and they brushed me off and refused to discuss it with me.
I was scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound at a maternal-fetal medicine clinic where they have the fancy 3D machines. I went in at 28 weeks, 6 weeks after the first ultrasound and was surprised to hear that there had been absolutely no change in the positioning of the placenta. I was told by the perinatologist that I would have another ultrasound in 6 weeks but that she did not expect it to resolve and that I should think about plans for a cesarean.
Again, when I tried to discuss this with the CNMs I was brushed off. My homebirth midwife and I decided there was little hope for a homebirth at that point. I was stuck getting prenatal care from people who didn't know anything about me that wasn't written in my chart, who didn't answer my questions or address my concerns. I pre-registered at the hospital and toured the "family birth center" and went through the motions of preparing for a surgical birth. In my heart I never completely gave up hope.
My 34 week ultrasound was scheduled for the last day of 2008. This was my last chance for resolution. I woke up before dawn and spent some quiet time asking the Universe for strength to get through whatever the day offered. I steeled myself and walked out the door at 7am.
I sat in the waiting room texting my friend, begging for some companionship just to get through the next moments that had the potential to change my life pretty significantly. Finally my name was called and I went back to the ultrasound room. The tech was the same one I'd had before and she remembered the name we'd chosen for our son. She said because of the low-lying placenta she needed to do a growth scan to check for IUGR. She casually said "From here it looks like the placenta has moved a lot. I'll have to do an endovaginal ultrasound to take the exact measurements though." She was really nice and we chatted about our kids, laughed at how much the baby moved against the ultrasound probe and we talked about how awful the weather had been the week of Christmas. After she finished the growth scan and pronounced the baby healthy and growing right on track, she left the room so I could undress and drape with a sheet. She took a few more minutes than I needed, and as I lay there waiting for her I pictured calling my homebirth midwife and telling her the placenta had moved so much I could have my homebirth after all. I tried to think of how quickly I could get a birth kit and a pool. I wanted to call my husband right that moment because I was so elated. I mean, why would the tech say it had moved if she wasn't sure, right?
The tech finally came back in and started the ultrasound. After a few moments of looking at the screen, the friendly banter was gone. She went stone faced and didn't say another word. She finished her measurements and told me the perinatologist would be in shortly. She left without another word.
My heart sank. Into the floor and beyond. As I got dressed and waited for the doctor, I KNEW the tech had misspoken. I knew that it was not good news, and she realized it and didn't want to be the one to break it to me.
The doctor came in after a few minutes and he got right to the point. There was insignificant change in the placenta, not anywhere near enough for a safe natural birth and so we were going ahead with a scheduled cesarean.
I have this strange coping mechanism, whenever someone gives me bad news, I get very friendly and smile a lot. I don't know why and a lot of people find it very unnerving. Really, if I showed them what was really going on I would probably cry. Needless to say I was very nice to this doctor and thanked him and walked out of the office smiling.
I made it almost to my car before the tears started to fall. I don't think it would have been such a gut punch if the tech hadn't said it looked like it had moved. If I'd never gotten my hopes up that high. Even the few minutes I was waiting, I had made a lot of plans in my head. I called my husband and texted my friend and drove home in a fugue state.
I found out the hospital I'm familiar with isn't the one I'll be giving birth at, and that my care will be transferred to doctors I've never met. I'm 34 weeks and I have to get to know a new group of doctors and find my way around an unfamiliar hospital. A virtual stranger will be doing my surgery and delivering my baby.
I am taking this one moment at a time right now. It is the most I can expect from myself. Hopefully soon I will be able to meet my new doctors and get some questions answered. I suppose we'll be choosing my baby's birthday and I'll find out if I can have my midwife there for the birth as a doula or if only my husband will be there. I need to find some help for my husband who will be responsible for everything while I recover.
I am blown away that 6 months ago a psychic on the internet predicted this for $6. I never imagined the possibility.
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